Violated

So...yesterday was a pretty bad day. I have been feeling really good and then every once in a while (more often recently), I have been in a pretty sour mood - kind of depressed like. I know it has a lot to do with hormones, but sometimes it is hard to shake the overwhelming feeling of inadequacy, selfishness, short temper, mean sarcasm, and my imperfections shine even more. I feel like Paul when he says he wants to do right, but can't. Not only that, but I have been waking up in the middle of the night and unable to get back to sleep. Instead of staring at the ceiling, I do get up and read and pray. But then I am sleep deprived, adding to the hormones.

Yesterday, I took Ellie outside to play in the sprinkler, and she was so excited. I noticed that the back gate was open. Thinking it was weird, I went to close it to protect my daughter and keep her and the dog from escaping. That is when I noticed that the shed door was wide open and a huge vacant spot where our mower usually sat. I just prayed that Taylor took it to the front yard for whatever reason, knowing though that it wasn't the case. Then the waterworks started... I called Taylor and carried my daughter into the house and just sobbed. Ellie was being so sweet, and I was so angry and cursing this unknown thief. I put her in the pack-n-play with a bunch of toys and a video and went to the other room and just cried. I was so angry! I prayed and prayed, but not for me to have a heart of forgiveness and mercy, but for justice and for whoever this was to fail at whatever purpose he was going to use this lawn mower and weed-eater (yep, stolen too) for. I just feel so violated. And then as the day went on, I felt worse because of my own sinful reaction. Then, I felt physically even worse from all the crying, so then I ate whatever I wanted - fast food was easiest. Eating this all day made me feel even worse.... Spiral downwards....

Today is a new day. I realized I missed my baby girls. In my emotional craziness, I missed out on Day 560 of Ellie's life and Day 173 of Gemma's life. Seems like just a day, but each day is so valuable! I do NOT want to take for granted the time I have with them. I want to choose life today and not to sulk. If something like a stolen lawn mower comes up again, as small as it is, I need to take it to the Lord, leave it as His feet, and then trust He will provide, in whatever way He sees fit. Easier said than done. I am so thankful God still loves a sinner like me. And He still loves whoever that thief was. Gar. Lord, help me. Even as I type this, my heart still needs some changing towards the subject....

To Record for Me: 07/12/2011

Gemma tucked her knees under her today! Love you baby! Slow down on that growing though shoogs! Ellie is learning new signs and saying new things!

Signs: mom, dad, sorry, frog, help, and much much more!

Says: I sorry. I stuck. Whassat? Go.

Celebrations

I'm a little bored, and I remembered I haven't posted on this in a few days. Not too much is new with this family. We have made a few goals. We both realized that we don't really have goals and in order to feel like we are aiming at something, we set a few. I want to sign up for a Swamp Foot Race in September while we are in Michigan. It is going to be the Saturday before Austin and Erin's wedding. I am super excited. It is a four mile foot race, except you go over lots of obstacles. So I am beginning the training for that. Taylor is as well. Oh yeah! I spent a while in Michigan, and just got back from that. It was really good. I enjoyed spending time with Taylor's family, and they were able to enjoy the babies. We also celebrated Austin and Erin by throwing them (really her haha) a wedding shower. Leah and I hosted it, and we played the Price is Right and the Spice is Right. I thought everything went really well, and I think that Erin got a few things to help them set up. It is always such a HUGE blessing to have that help. I remember it all too well, and I am so thankful for those people who blessed us so much. we are still using most everything given to us :) I am very stoked for their wedding 9-10-11!! We are going to spend two weeks up there, which is something Taylor has not been able to do in a while, so we are super excited for that!! Girls are good. I love being their mom. Although, I do wish I was a better mom at times. They are a delight, and God convict me if I ever complain. Thank you Lord for my two girls.

update #3

Ellie - 16 and a half months

- things she says: kaka (cracker), Sha (Shanks our dog), mil (milk), oose (juice), dah dah (dog dog), men (amen), and ana (banana), b (bird)

- things she signs: more, please, milk, juice, dog, book, cracker, blanket, hat, sleep, eat, help, banana, water, bird

- climbs everything

- gives kisses

- waves byebye

Gemma - 4 months

- is sleeping until 6am

- can roll over back to front

- babbles and coos :)

- smiles and laughs

hurt feelings

i love friendships. i love hanging out with the girls and talking about nonsense and love being able to share the deeper heart issues. in church for the past few months, we have been talking about real jesus encounters and how we can be real friends with other people. i have been thinking a lot about this and different ways i can be a true friend, but i am struggling because sometimes friendships take some work. and what i have been dealing with a lot lately is friendships not being recipricated. i feel like on my end that i would consider them a good friend, or someone that i want to get to know more, but they have already forgotten about me.... i know this is shallow, but i start to think am i not smart enough? am i not pretty enough? am i not stylish enough? am i not funny enough? i guess i feel like i am on someones checklist sometimes too. i hate that. i should know that a lot of friendships are seasonal. when do i speak up and say hey you hurt my feelings. i dont want people to feel obligated to hang out with me, or pay attention to me,when i know they just have other friends. in other words - this is just me being too selfish? i dont know. jesus, sometimes i wonder if i am that person with you. just like i dont want to be an item to check off your list of hanging out with today, i know you dont want to be on a checklist either. give me the wisdom to know when i am doing that to you or others and also when i should confront a friend.

its friday:-)

Fridays do not eveN seem like fridays anymore. Taylor has to work on saturdays, and so all the days just blur together. However, today he came home at lunch and surprised me because he took the rest of the day off:-) I would say we are busy, but truthfully, we are just in the day to day stuff to do. Between taking care of kiddos and trying to keep the house clean, Taylor has allowed me to go on several trips on my own, which have been much appreciated. I was reading a friends blog and I totally agree with her that it is a type of quality to be able to go through the aisles slowly without purpose. And not have kids to keep entertained\quiet. We are looking forward to going on our trip to michigan next week. It will be a short trip for taylor, but I think it will still be much needed time. Ellie has become quite the climber as of late. A couple days ago, we heard some climkings and went into the dining room to find her on top of the table with her hand in the jelly jar. Too funny. She has also climbed on top of the high chair on numerous occasions. However to let her get in the dog food and feed Mr. Shanks is the question. She loves it. She will grab a handful and give it to him. Of course, she always makes a mess. I am torn between telling her no or let her have fun with the dog. I am really on a cooking craze. Taylor and I have been trying lots of new things and adding new things to our favorites list a lot. Yesterday we had cilantro pesto chicken tenderloins with sweet corn on the cob, and broccoli and cheese. What was even better was that Ellie ate her entire portion. Exciting, I know. Well kiddos are awake and we are going to the park:-) Forgive my unorganized posting. Not too much to update. Girls are still growing and changing daily. And Taylor and I are still doing our thing. I am wanting to figure out to start doing my hobbies again. I guess the dishes won't get done again today..... haha.

What my Babies are doing now

Updates on Ellie and Gemma as of today!

- Ellie - things she says in the order she started saying them: dada, ow, bye-bye, baby, please.

- Ellie - things she signs: more, eat, dog, baby, all done, please.

- Ellie is walking everywhere, practically running. She can climb steps, get onto the couch and the rocking chair. She climbs her slide all by herself. Of course she scared us last weekend at my parents house when she climbed up to the second story and nobody knew where she was until she did her "help" cries. Good grief. Scared us to death.

- Gemma is smiling all the time :) Especially at our smiles.

- Ellie is doing really good at recognition. She has a magnet book with different animals that can come out. If we point to the magnet of a tiger and ask her where it goes, she puts it in its spot, along with the rest of the magnets.

- Gemma, at her appointment last week, was 13.6 pounds (98%) and 24.75 inches (99%).

- Ellie loves her baby sister, gives her hugs and kisses.

- Gemma can hold her head up really well!

- Both girls went on the first camping trip a couple of weeks ago, and did GREAT!!! Ellie slept all night in a pack-n-play, and Gemma in a laundry basket.

- Ellie has helped me cook cookies and french toast and loves to help!

- Gemma loves to watch her sister.

- Gemma also loves to kick her legs.

Things I want to remember about my girls from this age:

- Ellie loves to hide her magnets and mommy's cell phone in the cabinet, and then do the "ta-da" when she shows me where they are :)

- Gemma is my chubby little girl, and her skin is so soft.

- Ellie throws shoes at the dog to get him to play with her.

- Ellie also loves to hug her sister and thinks she can hold her.

- Gemma has a scream on her!