Violated

So...yesterday was a pretty bad day. I have been feeling really good and then every once in a while (more often recently), I have been in a pretty sour mood - kind of depressed like. I know it has a lot to do with hormones, but sometimes it is hard to shake the overwhelming feeling of inadequacy, selfishness, short temper, mean sarcasm, and my imperfections shine even more. I feel like Paul when he says he wants to do right, but can't. Not only that, but I have been waking up in the middle of the night and unable to get back to sleep. Instead of staring at the ceiling, I do get up and read and pray. But then I am sleep deprived, adding to the hormones.

Yesterday, I took Ellie outside to play in the sprinkler, and she was so excited. I noticed that the back gate was open. Thinking it was weird, I went to close it to protect my daughter and keep her and the dog from escaping. That is when I noticed that the shed door was wide open and a huge vacant spot where our mower usually sat. I just prayed that Taylor took it to the front yard for whatever reason, knowing though that it wasn't the case. Then the waterworks started... I called Taylor and carried my daughter into the house and just sobbed. Ellie was being so sweet, and I was so angry and cursing this unknown thief. I put her in the pack-n-play with a bunch of toys and a video and went to the other room and just cried. I was so angry! I prayed and prayed, but not for me to have a heart of forgiveness and mercy, but for justice and for whoever this was to fail at whatever purpose he was going to use this lawn mower and weed-eater (yep, stolen too) for. I just feel so violated. And then as the day went on, I felt worse because of my own sinful reaction. Then, I felt physically even worse from all the crying, so then I ate whatever I wanted - fast food was easiest. Eating this all day made me feel even worse.... Spiral downwards....

Today is a new day. I realized I missed my baby girls. In my emotional craziness, I missed out on Day 560 of Ellie's life and Day 173 of Gemma's life. Seems like just a day, but each day is so valuable! I do NOT want to take for granted the time I have with them. I want to choose life today and not to sulk. If something like a stolen lawn mower comes up again, as small as it is, I need to take it to the Lord, leave it as His feet, and then trust He will provide, in whatever way He sees fit. Easier said than done. I am so thankful God still loves a sinner like me. And He still loves whoever that thief was. Gar. Lord, help me. Even as I type this, my heart still needs some changing towards the subject....